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  She couldn’t organize her emotions. Not with the cowboy.

  Joshua.

  His name curled through her, somehow entwined with her now. She couldn’t think about him leaving, of her going back to all her Lucy routines.

  Why hadn’t she stepped outside of her drawn-in lines to know him better? What could’ve happened if she had tried?

  Footsteps sounded on the walkway, and she turned to find him, duffel bag in hand, his hat pulled low over his eyes, even though she could still see the pale of them.

  They locked gazes for a thudding moment as the mist continued to lift, surrounding him in an ominous haze.

  He dropped his duffel to the ground. “Time for me to go.”

  Numbly, she nodded, even though it was the last thing she wanted. But the leaving always happened. Always.

  “You’ve got a lot of ground to cover before you get home,” she managed to say.

  “It’ll be twice the fun with the amount of sleep I got.” He fixed his gaze on the rosebushes. “All night I lay there wondering if you’d wake up. If I could apologize for walking out on you.”

  “No need for apology—”

  “Yes, there is.” He planted his hands on his hips. “I had no right to expect more.”

  Lucy’s heart sank. See, he was accepting the status quo. He wasn’t going to fight to stay, not as she had secretly hoped he would.

  But a part of her wanted to do the fighting for them both. He’d touched her in a way no man ever had, and for a couple of days, she’d even thought there was something more in his eyes than lust.

  Yet, that’s why this was a good thing, him going. When she became something other than a playmate, he would see the real Lucy.

  Let him drive away before that happens, she thought. Let him go.

  Thing was, even if she was in control this time, his leaving hurt just as much anyway.

  He kicked at the ground, as if wanting to say more.

  “Joshua?” she asked, hardly realizing that she’d said his name.

  But…oh, it felt nice. Truly liberating, making her sexual discoveries wan by comparison.

  As he smiled slowly, joyfully, at the sound of her saying his name, Lucy’s buried optimism rose up, crashing through the doubts.

  Could she keep him here? Could she beat this farewell?

  Suddenly, getting him to stay seemed like everything. It would mean she didn’t have to go back to her old way of life, the existing and merely waiting for something better to come along.

  She stood, stronger than she’d ever thought possible. “I’m thirty and on vacation, where my friend and I just wanted to feel better about the aftermath of our boyfriend breakups…until I met you.” She ventured a step closer. “I work in human resources at Padme Software in San Diego, and my job bores me to tears. But I do like a good glass of amaretto over ice and movie marathons on Friday nights to help me unwind.”

  He’d taken off his hat by now, holding it in front of his chest.

  She got even braver. “I don’t let Carmen drive the car because I like to be in charge. I planned our whole trip down to the minute because I like…liked…to know where I’m going. And I don’t…didn’t…like any variation in the route, either.”

  “So why did you choose me?”

  Her heart was about to crash through her chest. She couldn’t tell him about the security of a stranger and how the idea tied in with the men who had disappointed her in the past. She couldn’t tell him about the freshest wound, only a few months old, from a man who had seemed so right but had been pushed to the limits with her puppyish need for affection once a relationship had started.

  But Joshua had a hopeful look on his face, and it was unlike any expression she’d ever seen him wear before. His gaze was softer, gentler, like light shining through a disappearing storm cloud.

  She knew what he wanted, and she was finally ready to take a risk and give it.

  No more strangers. No more games.

  His knuckles whitened as he gripped his hat, as if in anticipation.

  So she inhaled one more time, scared to death but diving in anyway.

  “My name is Lucy,” she said. “Lucy Christie.”

  Dropping his hat to his side, he laid a hand over his heart, then whispered, “Lucy,” as if her name was his key to everything.

  She just hoped it would be enough to keep him here.

  LUCY.

  The name was a burst of starry skies and sunshine all in one.

  “Lucy” hearkened back to an age of innocence: lemonade on a humid day and root-beer candy from a sweets store’s barrel, just as he’d first thought upon seeing her in that diner.

  He’d been right about her, even back then. And he could easily picture her on his porch sipping that lemonade and enjoying sunsets with him.

  “Lucy” was devil and angel in one.

  “Lucy” was everything.

  But just as he’d found her, it was time to go. There was no putting it off because his family was waiting back home, and it was his duty to stand up for them.

  Joshua watched her awaiting his reaction, dawn cutting through the mist to highlight her dark hair, to hush over the achingly vivid hues of her eyes and lips.

  But not even the colors of morning could compete with Lucy.

  He tried to find the words to convey how he was feeling, to tell her that he wished he could stay and that he would do anything if she would welcome him back another day.

  Yet, at his silence, something significant seemed to strike her. Her shoulders looked as if they’d taken on a heavy burden, and the blue of her eyes faded a little.

  What had just happened?

  “I’ve got to go back to Texas—”

  “Right, right,” she interrupted. “Of course. Like you said, we knew this wasn’t anything permanent.”

  Then, as if she’d donned another personality, she gave him one of her saucy smiles, transforming her from gentle Lucy back into the flippant woman who only required a good lay from him.

  Joshua went empty. She was still playing with him, wasn’t she?

  Damn it, he was an idiot for thinking that the revelation of her name meant something more. He’d made it out to be such a big thing in his own head. But to her?

  It was clearly just another teasing move.

  The past few minutes hadn’t been magic at all. Neither had the past few days.

  He picked up his duffel, put on his Stetson low over his eyes so she couldn’t read the profound disappointment in them. Then he tipped his hat to her and turned around to go his own way, a stranger once again.

  “All the best to you, Lucy,” he said.

  “You, too…Joshua.”

  Her voice sounded gnarled, and he almost faced her again to see if maybe he was wrong about her initiating another game. If she could possibly be feeling that there was a lot to lose here, too.

  But he had to leave playtime behind now. People at home were depending on him, and he couldn’t get any more drained by a woman who had just sucked a lot of the hope right out of him.

  And, ironically, she’d given him most of that hope. Maybe it was fitting that she had the power to take it, too.

  Joshua forced himself to walk away before he could find out for certain.

  12

  ANESTHETIZED, LUCY stared out the backseat window of Eddie’s Cadillac as he drove them to Lake Havisu, where Lucy and Carmen’s convertible was parked.

  Everything was as stone silent as Lucy felt. Carmen and Eddie weren’t talking in the front; they were only staring out their own windows while oldies music played on the radio, and that was fine by her, because Lucy didn’t want to rehash the morning’s events with Eddie around. She hadn’t even gotten the opportunity to see Carmen alone yet, since she’d met her and Eddie at breakfast in the coffee shop and they’d taken off from there.

  Besides, Lucy didn’t want to put a damper on Carmen’s fun. Talking could wait. Keeping her woes to herself was probably even a good thing, too, bec
ause it was hard enough trying to deal with the image of Joshua walking away, time and again, as she revisited it in her head.

  She had revealed herself to him, and he had left. Why hadn’t she learned from past experience?

  Dwelling on it just made it worse, but she couldn’t forget, either. So it was a relief when they reached the lake, where the Mustang waited in its parking space.

  After apologizing again for the inconvenience she’d caused, then thanking Eddie for the ride and his efforts, Lucy left Carmen alone with him so they could make plans to meet again tonight. If Carmen came out of this trip happy, then it wouldn’t be a complete heartbreak.

  Lucy got settled in the driver’s seat, catching a glimpse of the couple in her rearview mirror, noticing how they stood apart, how both of them had their arms crossed over their chests. Weird…

  Finally, they hugged, and Lucy forced herself to look away.

  Staring at the steering wheel…Holding back the sharp threat of tears…She wouldn’t think about Joshua. Not now, not tomorrow.

  It’s just that, inside of her, he hadn’t gone away.

  Carmen returned, sliding into the passenger seat and closing the door. “Ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  But truthfully, Lucy was pretty sure she would never be ready again.

  She started the engine, nursing it for a minute, then driving toward the road. Eddie followed them, keeping a distance.

  “Where’re we going?” Lucy asked, thinking Carmen had plotted it out with Eddie. She didn’t have the energy to care about their destination.

  “I thought you might have an idea for our next stop,” Carmen said.

  Lucy shot her a quizzical glance.

  Her friend didn’t react, and that was when Lucy knew that the silence in the Caddy on the way back from Kingman had been more telling than she’d realized.

  “You aren’t meeting up with Eddie?” Lucy asked.

  “No.”

  Jolted, Lucy pulled to the side of the road, and Eddie passed them, his hand held out the window in a final farewell. Carmen watched, biting her bottom lip, until he faded into the distance, a part of the road they’d already traveled to get here.

  “What happened?” Lucy asked, transferring all her emotion to Carmen’s situation. It felt so much better to feel for her friend, not herself. “We have a lot of time left before we have to go home, so why aren’t you seeing him again?”

  “Because I never slept with him, Luce. I was too chicken to live up to my own dares.”

  Lucy didn’t know what to say, so she touched Carmen’s arm instead. “He dropped you because you wouldn’t sleep with him?” she asked, just to clarify.

  Carmen was shaking her head. “No, Eddie didn’t drop me. I dropped him. I sabotaged any opportunities with him, and I did it because I’m a coward.”

  A car motored by, and the other woman’s gaze followed it.

  “You’re not a coward,” Lucy said. “Never have been and never will be. So you didn’t sleep with him? No biggie.”

  “It’s more than that. Even though it kills me to admit it, I just don’t have the cojones to face up to the Ferris clan by bringing someone like Eddie home.”

  Right, Lucy thought. He wasn’t approved by Mama.

  “All the same,” Carmen added, “maybe it was too soon after my breakup with Malcolm and I just need to get to know myself before I start up with another guy. Because that’s one thing I learned, Luce—I can’t sleep with a man unless it’s going to be serious. My emotions get too tangled up in everything. It’s just not for me.”

  Lucy thought about how it’d ended up not being for her, either.

  She was rubbing Carmen’s arm in sympathy, and her friend reached up to grasp her hand. They didn’t say anything for a moment, not until the other woman spoke again.

  “I don’t know why I’m so down about this.” She took a deep breath and fluffed her hair, trying to seem carefree. “Let’s be real—there was no future anyway. My family would’ve had a cow the second Eddie stepped through our door. He’s Lawrence Kilpatrick’s son, you know.”

  Lucy searched mentally for the name, wondering why that was such an issue.

  But Carmen supplied all the rest, emphasizing the familial clash her and Eddie would’ve had—the politics, the headaches.

  “Hardly a match made in heaven,” Carmen concluded.

  She’d raised her chin, and Lucy could tell she was fighting to convince herself that her vacation fling was nothing to mourn over.

  But that’s not what her friend’s sorrowful gaze told Lucy.

  “You’re not even going to try with Eddie?” She felt her own sorrow creeping up on her.

  Maybe she should’ve asked the same question before Joshua had gotten in his truck and driven off, leaving her standing by those rosebushes.

  Carmen merely shook her head, and Lucy let it go.

  Unfortunately, that left the subject of Joshua open, and as soon as her friend started asking about him, Lucy held up her hand, tears biting at her again.

  “Later?” she said, swallowing. “But not now, Carm. I can’t do it now.”

  Then, flipping on the radio, she eased back onto the road, having no idea where she was going.

  Or where she would end up.

  “MAKE A WISH!” Carmen said to Lucy over a week later as they sat at the bar in the Wine Cellar at the Rio Hotel.

  The beige-bricked, low-lit ambience surrounded them while Lucy blew out the candle that stuck out of a slice of chocolate cake the staff had served especially for the birthday girl.

  The crew behind the bar applauded along with Carmen, then went back to facilitating wine flights for the customers who were scattered at the bar and in plush, nook-enclosed lounge chairs.

  “What did you wish for?” Carmen asked.

  “That you would stop ordering me cake everyplace we go and remember that my birthday was several days ago.”

  Lucy grinned at her friend while giving her a fork to share the dessert.

  But her smile died soon enough. It was hard to keep one going when all she could do was remember the many opportunities she’d missed on this near-finished trip.

  Every day had been soaked in memories of Joshua, even as she and Carmen had continued on the Route, making it as far as the Texas border before turning around and coming back.

  Although it was a big state, Lucy felt as if entering would bring back all the piercing thoughts of her cowboy that she had managed to tame.

  At least somewhat. She found herself thinking of him whenever her mind wasn’t engaged by road chatter or the stop offs where she and Carmen would busy themselves by learning Route history and culture. Every memory made her chest cave in, crushing her.

  When they’d started back toward California, Carmen hadn’t argued. She was just as ready to go home as Lucy.

  Still, there were a lot of miles to cover, and while driving them Lucy revealed everything about Joshua to her friend. It hadn’t helped much, not even when Carmen commiserated by talking about Eddie.

  And this was probably the reason Carmen ordered so many cakes—because they could celebrate the fact that they were confiding in each other once more.

  They shouldn’t have ever become strangers, and they’d promised that it would never happen again.

  After they’d finished their flights at the Wine Cellar, they did the Vegas thing: gambling, lounge showing, hanging out by the pool. It all seemed like marking time until they went back to the old life.

  And, soon enough, the time did come for Carmen to be dropped off at her La Mesa apartment complex.

  “Want some dinner?” the other woman asked as Lucy helped carry baggage to Carmen’s door. The adobe courtyard boasted bougainvillea and Spanish tile, giving her friend’s home a breezy, welcoming effect.

  “Not hungry.” Lucy patted her stomach. “I think I need to detox.”

  “Don’t we both.”

  It was clear that Carmen wasn’t talking about the greasy food
or the many drinks. She was still thinking about Eddie.

  “Just call him,” Lucy said. “He lives in San Diego, too.”

  “Close yet so far away.” Carmen stood in her doorway, as if reluctant to go in. “I’ll call if you call Joshua.”

  Lucy’s heart sank. “I…don’t have his number.”

  “You have his license plates.”

  “And what will I do with those? Be a stalker?” Lucy started walking away. “He’s probably on to the next conquest anyway. I won’t flatter myself by thinking he’s pining away for me.”

  “Luce.” Carmen looked angry now. “Why do you say those kinds of things?”

  Yeah, why? Hadn’t she learned better?

  She recalled how Joshua had looked at her, as if he did feel something beyond the desire they’d shared. How, if she’d accepted it, he might never have left.

  “I talk like that,” Lucy said, “because I’m in the habit.”

  Habits, schedules, itineraries…Hadn’t she left those behind, too?

  “Well, get out of it,” Carmen said.

  Then she tilted her head, as if coming to an epiphany, herself.

  Had she made some kind of decision about what she needed to do, even beyond Eddie?

  Or was this about Eddie?

  The wistful gleam in her eyes remained, even as she continued telling Lucy what to do.

  “You know where Joshua lives. Google him. Find him. Do something with him.”

  Lucy waved her friend off, promising to see Carmen soon, then heading home. But all the while she kept wondering if she could bring herself to follow her heart once again.

  Once she arrived in her modest apartment, three blocks from Carmen’s own, she unpacked, walked by her computer, unpacked some more, walked by her computer, ate a light dinner of ramen, walked by…

  Crap. She finally turned on the darn thing.

  She puttered around online, then started getting serious, finding a few references in a Texas online newspaper about a Gray family in Fielding, Texas. Obituaries for Mom and Dad, mentions of the horse-breeding facility.